A health nut knows the magic equation for weight loss/management. It's simple: burn more calories than you consume. I am completely and 100% aware of this, but in my humility I'm here to tell you this equation is the hardest problem I've been trying to solve for a year now.
Y'all, food is my comfort. As the Jesus lovin' gal I am, I should find my comfort in God and Scripture, but what do I turn to? food. I shovel it in, knowing good and well that it's not the thing I should be doing. The entire time, bite after bite, I am feeling guilty, but ya know what else? I can't stop. I continue to eat and eat...and eat, it's like there's no shut off valve. Finally, after I've somehow stopped, that's when the guilt sets in. That's when the tears start to flow or the fork to mouth motion begins once again.
It's hard for me to talk about this, I mean I feel like I'm supposed to have it all together. But..I don't. I go through seasons; seasons where things are tough and it seems to be day after day, or I'll get back on track and the next day I've fallen to the wayside again. Then there are the seasons where I think I've conquered the beast. I've gotten it under control and I'm defeating the sin of addiction that consumes me- the idolization I have for food, the fact that I'm destroying my body with every binge session.
Unfortunately, the defeat doesn't start there. I, Katie Ann Ferrell, have some horrific body image issues. The binges and weight fluctuation only make it worse. I constantly inspect my reflection in the mirror to check on my progress, and the slightest bulge can set me in a downward spiral. Am I proud of this? Of course not! In fact, I've been thinking about writing a blog on this for a good ten months now but each time I've chickened out. Out of fear. Out of embarrassment. Finally, something in me has my fingers racing across my keyboard not worrying about the reaction from others, but rather admitting my weakness.
I never wanted anyone to know my struggles. I never want anyone to feel pity for me, or feel as if they have to compliment me to keep my self-esteem high. I don't need the people around me to do that, all I need is to know my God thinks that. But there again, is where I fall.
As I'm constantly comparing myself to the other girls around me: she's more tan than me, is my stomach flatter? man, I wish I had her legs- I'm loooonging for the acceptance of the world: not relying on the acceptance of my Father. Instead of worrying about how good I can look on the beach in a few weeks, I should be working even harder on conquering the sin and the feelings that control the thoughts and actions of my day. I should be digging into the Word to further my finding of my identity in Him. Instead, I'm belittling and mutilating the beautiful daughter He loves so much, me.
My friends, this is why I am writing this today. Sin is something you hide, it eats at you, it consumes you, it controls you. I want y'all to know I am going to try harder each and every day to defeat the destroyer. It's not easy, believe me, if it was, I would have conquered it last spring when the lack of self-control began. I'm also writing this because it's my passion to tell the females around me often that they.are.beautiful. We don't have to look like the girl in the magazine or the perfectly photoshopped woman our society sees and we believe we must strive for. I wouldn't wish this struggle or constant feeling of defeat on anyone, and those that feel it, whether it be for the same reasons I do or rather a different situation, I'd love to be praying for you as well. It's a battle every. day. Here lately, due to circumstances I cannot control, it's been even worse. But I always remind myself, tomorrow...tomorrow, is a new day. A new day in His Glory and grace. A new day to become a new you. I hope in my humility someone can find hope or comfort.
Also, this is probably beyond scattered, but my mind moves approximately 75,000 mph and my fingers can only type half that, so please bare with me. And unfortunately, I never take time much anymore to sit and blog, which is a shame. I get so much joy out of writing these. Hopefully, I can keep my word this time and provide updates and more blogs on the regular.
Y'all come back now (for updates), ya hear?
