She's A Brick House...literally

Here I sit on a Sunday morning after a lousy Saturday night. Thought maybe sleeping would change my mood around, but unfortunately for me that did not work. It's not often I'm a negative Nancy, but when I am it all hits at once.

As I sit here, I have so much frustration built up inside of me. But of course I'd never let any of those things slip out of my mouth except maybe to my mom, or most likely my sister. The reason? I have this mega-brick wall up around me. The reason I have one? Because anytime I've ever let it down, I get hurt.

My life hasn't been the glamorous one most assume it has been, and don't get me wrong I have been beyond blessed in 19 years and my life was and is farrrr from the worst, but still; don't judge a book by it's cover. That being said, ever since I was little I've never been able to let loose and have fun. Not the type of fun the average college student has; that is in NO way, shape, or form something I'd be interested in. But just letting my guard down, being absolutely silly, and enjoying myself. I never really had time to be a kid, so here I am, years later still acting like the adult I'd learned to be as a child. You can't live in the past, all you can do is look to the future, which can be so hard when the future you had planned crumbled without your control.

Being the OCD, organized person I am, I had my life all planned out. Which, I do NOT recommend this at alllll, by the way. The plans I'd made had me so excited for the coming years, then they all changed through a decision that was not mine. At that moment in time I felt like my life was over. I soon realized looking back, it was simply the beginning to a new chapter. Here I am, in the midst of that new chapter.

The past hurts, but I have to keep my eyes on the prize of my dreams and future. When I think about the future now, I have absolutely no idea what it holds; just that God's got a hold of it and is in control. Which is quite the relief realizing it's no longer my worry. The unfortunate thing is, I have no idea when I'm going to learn to live. Really, live. To just let my guard down and enjoy what God surrounds me with. When is that scared 7-year-old going to breakaway and have the time of her life? Who knows, all I know is the day it happens; I'll most likely write a blog about it. So here I still sit on my couch. The only thing I know that's going to happen today is that I'm going to church (River Ridge 9;45/11:15 join us :) and that I will be working yet another shift at Sunglass Hut. And no matter how I feel after posting this blog, which will most likely be a little bit better because writing is my release, even if it's like crud; I'll put on my smile and never let a single person know what's going on in this noggin' of mine. I've said it once, and I'll say it again; A smile is the most beautiful thing a person can have. And with that smile, I'll enjoy my day the best way I know how. Maybe today's the day. The day I learn to tear down my wall and enjoy the blessing of a new day I have been given, to it's utmost potential.